The Time My Fake Band Turned Real

So many of you may not know this, but I am in a world-famous rock band. We are called Niptuck Bruiser and I play the drums and am the rapper. Cara is the singer, Jessica is the bass player (because she has the biggest hands), Sarah plays the keytar, Caroline plays the triangle, Sophie plays the digeridoo, and Mandi plays a tiny harmonica. Like Disney movies, our albums are currently in the vault, but we have a number of them. Through the years, band members have come and gone, but every year, those of our band members who are available make an appearance at my summer camp where we are mean to little kids.




Our band, however.....is fake. It all started when Cara, Jess, Sarah, and I were sitting in Sorrento's Pizza in Catonsville and realized that we were such an incredibly pretty group of girls that we should probably be in a band. We called ourselves The Bruisers and assigned instruments and funny accents for each of us. The "Niptuck" bit got added when we went home that night to watch the amazingly trashy Paradise Hotel and were astounded by the graphic commercials for a new soft-core-porn-slash-slasher-show called Nip/Tuck. Since then we have dressed up for our campers every year, but we haven't really played any shows or recorded anything.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I discover that our band actually exists in boy form. They are called The Polygons and - though they are lacking a digeridoo, tiny harmonica, and triangle - they are a real-life incarnation of our band.
I met the members of this band while out dancing at Magerks in Federal Hill. Cara and Kate noticed this guy in the room singing along to every single song and told me to dance with him. And once he started doing the lawnmower, how could I resist? Turns out, his name is Lee and he is the drummer for the Polygons. He has since told me that he is also a rapper, but I like to think of him as a liar and that would just be creepy, besides.

Anyway, Lee is the drummer for this band...big deal, right? Except that he then tells me about Ed, who plays the bass and Parker, who plays the keytar.
AND. Though they don't have funny accents like those of us in my fake band, Ed is Mexican and Lee is Irish - making them a real band with nearly the same multicultural status as our fake band.

Perhaps next year, we will invite the Polygons to come play at our camp. They can open for Niptuck Bruiser. After all, while they are a real-life band, let's not forget that NTB is still a world-famous band.

Following Doctor's Orders

After Jen stopped her silly attention-grabbing death act at the hospital, she was moved from her private room in the ICU to a double room in general care so she could recover with proper medical supervision without taking up a high-demand specialty bed in intensive care.

As a few friends and I were visiting the first night she moved in, we heard her roommate page the nurses quite a few times requesting some ice, but to no avail. We cringed as Jen's sister, Heather, ranted an "I-told-you-so" speech about the lousy service people get in general care. So when Jen's doctor came in to introduce himself, Jen (being the kind soul that she is) asked him if he could get her roommate some ice because she had been asking for it for a while but no one had come. He said he would see what he could do and left the room.

He came back a few seconds later and quietly told us that Jen's roommate wasn't allowed to have anything by mouth because they thought they might have to perform surgery on her for some reason. Once he left, Heather, the only one in the room who actually had a view of the other side of the room-divider curtain, looks at us and goes, "She's drinking an orange soda!"

Her soft-drink transgression was just the beginning. The next morning, as the nurses who serviced both the roommate and Jen were taking Jen's vitals, the roommate, who was hidden by only a flimsy curtain, chowed down on some KFC that her boyfriend had lovingly delivered to her earlier that morning. Though the curtain kept her secret out of sight, I'd venture a guess that the nurses could somehow sense her disobedience as the thick aroma of fried chicken filled the room.

Later, when Jen's dad was visiting, he boasted of his abilities to woo anyone into giving him free food while asking us if we wanted any soda or anything from the nurses station. Since he's kind of a loud guy, Jen's roommate overheard and called over to ask if he could get her a bag of chips. Jen and I hurriedly whispered that she's not supposed to have anything by mouth, but the damage was done. Thinking quickly, Jen's dad walked into the hall and went "This woman wants some chips? ....Oh, she's not supposed to eat anything? Oh, alright." And came back to explain that the nurses had told him that the roommate wasn't allowed to eat anything by mouth. Though the roommate protested, he explained rather sincerely that he didn't want to do anything to mess her up and that he was really sorry.

Two days later, she checked herself out of the hospital after refusing to let anyone even check to see if she needed surgery. After all, surgery would have required a much longer stay in the hospital and, though they had pain medication, the hospital's food service couldn't compare to her fine, fast-food cuisine.

Words Fail Me.

A week ago, my B.F.F., Jen, skipped out on a concert where my other best friend, Cara, was performing because she had a fever.

Three days ago, Jen's sister, Heather sent me a text message saying Jen had been taken to the hospital because her fever had risen to 105.

Wednesday, Jen was released and not 8 hours later, had to be taken back to the emergency room because she was bleeding from her eyes. At the hospital, her blood pressure was 55/27, her left lung collapsed, and everyone thought she was going to die.

Tonight, I got to watch Baltimore's 4th of July fireworks from the waiting room windows with Jen. She still has monster eyes and she still needs morphine every once in a while for her chest pain and headaches, but she talks and walks (in little bits) and she still thinks I'm funny. I don't want to sound too sentimental and corny, but I just want to vomit with happiness.

For those of you who knew about this whole situation and kept Jen in your prayers, thank you so much. For those of you who are just finding out and who pray, it would mean a lot to Jen (and me and her family) if you would pray for her. For those of you who don't pray, you should wish on a star or think about her a lot or just do whatever you do to send happy thoughts and hopes for a speedy and thorough recovery.