You're So Silly, America!

Last weekend, a search through the Catonsville branch of the Baltimore County Public Library for some book title that has since been forgotten led me to a memoir-esque book detailing the adventures of two Englishmen as they crossed the US breaking numerous "dumb laws." Though the book initially sounded interesting, turns out they had plans only to break 25 laws total, and thus far have been unable to break at least 8 of them. The lack of truly interesting material can be forgiven, however, because this book has inspired me to do my own cross-country crime spree. Sure, it's unoriginal and cliche, but it sounds like such an adventure, I have to do it.

So, my tentative itinerary is as follows:

Maryland

1. Stand in a public park in a sleeveless shirt.

2-3. Curse and then spit on the sidewalk within Baltimore City limits.

New Jersey

4. Pass people without warning on the interstate.

5. Frown at a police officer.

New York

6-7. Stand on the street wearing "body hugging clothing" while greeting someone by putting my thumb to my nose and wiggling my fingers.

7-9. Eat an ice cream cone on the sidewalk while wearing high heels and standing next to a man in a jacket that does not match his pants in Carmel.

Pennsylvania

10. Sing in a bathtub.

Ohio

11. Wear patent leather shoes.

Michigan

12. Swear in front of a woman or child.

Wisconsin

13. Cut a woman's hair.

14. Wave a burning torch in the air.

15. Wear something red in public in St. Croix.

16. Put litter into someone else's trash receptacle without their express permission in Hudson.

Minnesota

17. Stand around outside a building with no good reason to be there.

18. Sleep naked.

North Dakota

19. Lie down and fall asleep with my shoes on.

20. Wear a hat while dancing in Fargo.

Montana

21. Go fishing alone.

22-23. Worry squirrels and throw hard objects by hand in Excelsior Springs.

Washington

24. Destroy the beer cask or bottle of someone else.

25. Eat a lollipop.

Oregon

26. Leave my car door open for longer than necessary.

27. Dry my dishes with a towel.

28. Eat a donut while walking backwards on a city street in Marion.

29. Walk around with my shoes untied in Portland.

30. Make someone think that their property may be subjected to "offensive physical contact" in Portland.

California

31-32. Drive while wearing a housecoat (or a robe) at speeds in excess of 60mph.

33. Kiss a man with a mustache in Eureka.

34. Wipe my car with used underwear in San Francisco.

35. Carry my lunch down the street between 11 and 1 in Riverside.

36. Hunt moths under a streetlight in LA.

37. Throw salt on the highway in Hermosa Beach.

38. Drive my car in reverse in Glendale.

There it is - 38 laws all within easy breaking range. Of course, this roadtrip follows my ideal route, but I'm up for any adventure, really. 

Now, all I need are companions for this journey. Preferably at least one man so that he can grow a mustache and kiss me. Who's ready?!